Death, Family and the Left Behind

IMAGE is AI generated from Meta AI using the phrase "rest in peace departed soul. find comfort" 

I spent the last three weeks supporting my partner through the loss of her mother.  This post is about the human journey.  A journey all of us will take at some point in our lives. 

A few observations:

For the dying they are led through a portal to a place we can only imagine. Reports from the portal are few and far between.  The forces of nature at some point will take all of us through that door and transform us into something else.  An existence we can only imagine, but one that remains far from our understanding -- for those left behind there is the task of living. If we can successfully deal with the pain of loss, living gets easier.  

For the last three weeks I've been a witness to that process.  There are some learnings to share about the left behind.  How to honor the dead and ourselves.  How to get complete with the loss of a loved one.   I wish I had more reports to share about what happens when we cross the veil, but thus far I am still in a place of wonder. When my friend Walter passed away in 2000 he said with his last breath "why didn't anyone tell me this place was so beautiful."  

FEEL: For starters I'd like to lead with the notion that there is no “toughing out” loss.  There are tender places in us that must be honored if we are to move past loss and allow the pain of being separated from the ones we love into something else.  There are no formulas for this process, each person is different, but having a good cry is an excellent starting place.  If you witness a child deal with loss the very first thing they do is cry.  It is the natural reset button for human beings.  And there is no shame in being human.  Men have a tough time with this.  Not enough generosity has been granted to men to show their emotions.  There is a cost to stuffing our feelings.  The body keeps the score.  Unreleased feelings come out in other ways such as physical pain, illness and other emotions. 

MAKE ROOM FOR A PROCESS: All religions and even secular folks have a process for dealing with loss of a loved one.  I know when my father died it was sudden and happened out of state.  There was so much to deal with and so little time to organize a service.  I deeply regret not having a memorial service for my father.  Conversely, when Sharon's mother (Lynn) died they organised three separate events for friends, acquaintances and family.  Hundreds of people showed up to share their experience of life with Lynn. I watched as hearts melted.  It was as important for them as it was for Sharon's father, Ian, to hear and feel all the love. I also got to see first hand how the pain of loss got soothed and cared for through memories.  It was quite beautiful.  

ORGANIZE NOW FOR WHEN THINGS SETTLE DOWN: The wee hours are when the pinch of loss will be felt the greatest.  Make sure you have people around you.  If you don't have family nearby then join a club or group so you can get some human interaction.   Meals are a great way to feel connected.  Friends love to eat and spend time over a meal.  It is easier to fall apart than come together, but come together anyway.  Routines can help when there's still no purpose.  At some point we find our WHY, but till then fake it till you make it. 

YOUR WHY:  Without purpose there is no point to life.  Find it. Your why.  Yes, but how? That's the small voice.  Keep listening.  It's there.  It might be just a whisper, but keep your ear to the ground.  It probably sounds like an inaudible string of something vaguely remembered.  Keep on trying to figure it out.  Wait? What was that?  It sounded familiar.  Like something I had long forgotten.  Please.  Come again? ...

~ Joseph Olejak